I've had it!!! (LONG)

[Pixie]

Today was the straw that broke the camel's back.
My son (33 yr) still lives at home. Let me explain a little. Three years ago hubby and I moved to Idaho. Son and daughter stayed at the house to pay the mortage and just take over the house. Son had a good job and daughter was recovering from thyroid cancer and was also working. To make a long story shorter we ended up moving back to Utah and back into the house. We were struggling with finances so we all decided to stay on in the house and put our money together to cover the bills. It worked out for 2 years. Then son decided he didn't like his job and quit. Was going to get another one. Daughter had a new job and doing really well. Son got a crummy part time job from 3:00 am -8:00 am, then wastes rest of the day playing games on the computer. Saying he is looking for new job. He is trying to get on with State Troopers, or City Police. State Troopers is on a hiring freezer, hasn't heard anything from City Police. Now he has applied to go to flight school. Waiting for financing to come through.
What gets me is that he will not go out and get another job to work during the daytime hours. He drives our car, can't afford one for himself, not paying anything towards it. He is suppose to be paying off his bills with his little to nothing paycheck. So we haven't really asked him to pay for much. Felt he paid a lot when we were needing his help a few years ago.
Yesterday he went out to get lunch and maybe go to a movie. He comes home about an hour later and had decided not to go to movie. Rented a movie and a computer game.
This morning I happened to see the receipt. He had spent $38. for the the game! Let me explain a little here. For this pilot school that he wants to go to he needed $500 for the deposit. Daughter and us came up with the money because he doesn't have it. Now can you see why I was MAD? He had the money for this STUPID game but not for the deposit (Not that $38 would have been much towards it, but he could have put it towards a bill). If he would have just saved some money, instead of spending it like he doesn't have any responiblites I may not have blown up.
After I had finished grooming today I sat down and talked to him. I told him I was ready to kick him out the door and didn't care what happened to him. All he is doing is wasting his money when he should be saving it, paying his bills, paying us something. Told him he is freeloading off of us and we have had enough or it. He has to go and find another job while he is waiting for this flight school to decide if they will take him or not. If he doesn't do something he is out the door.
We are a family we are suppose to work together. We aren't suppose to just support one family member with him doing nothing in return.
I know we have made it toooooo easy for him. I can't kick him out if he doesn't have anywhere to go can I? He has no way to get anywhere, except walk and to take the bus.
I'm a softie, I know. It is our (hubby and me) fault that he is still living here. But I think I made some headway with him today. He did go and buy a few groceries, which he hasn't done in 3 months.
Sorry this is so long. Thanks for letting me vent.
This morning I blew up.

[ejmj30]

I'm sorry you've been going through this. I can kind of understand your position. My brother is 42, and up until only a couple years ago was staying with my mom. He's here because he has a drug problem, so it's not quite the same, but I know that my mom finally had to kick him out and say you have to do it on your own if you're not going to do it when I'm helping you. I.e. when mom and dad are trying to be supportive, sometimes people take it as a free ride. Sometimes you have to be tough to get them to see the light. Now, it's a little different in that your son isn't addicted to drugs, but it sounds like he's got a similar attitude, and I don't think you keeping him in the house is helping him. If he's on his own, he has no choice but to get up and get going or get left out in the cold. That's a decision that anyone in their right mind can make really quickly. I hope this helps you, and I know you'll make the right decision, whatever that may be for your family situation. I think you have every right to be upset if someone's not contributing to the micro community you've got going on. I hope it all works for the best.

[astrordog]

Today was the straw that broke the camel's back.
My son (33 yr) still lives at home. Let me explain a little. Three years ago hubby and I moved to Idaho. Son and daughter stayed at the house to pay the mortage and just take over the house. Son had a good job and daughter was recovering from thyroid cancer and was also working. To make a long story shorter we ended up moving back to Utah and back into the house. We were struggling with finances so we all decided to stay on in the house and put our money together to cover the bills. It worked out for 2 years. Then son decided he didn't like his job and quit. Was going to get another one. Daughter had a new job and doing really well. Son got a crummy part time job from 3:00 am -8:00 am, then wastes rest of the day paying games on the computer. Saying he is looking for new job. He is trying to get on with State Troopers, or City Police. State Troopers is on a hiring freezer, hasn't heard anything from City Police. Now he has applied to go to flight school. Waiting for financing to come through.
What gets me is that he will not go out and get another job to work during the daytime hours. He drives our car, can't afford one for himself, not paying anything towards it. He is suppose to be paying off his bills with his little to nothing paycheck. So we haven't really asked him to pay for much. Felt he paid a lot when we were needing his help a few years ago.
Yesterday he went out to get lunch and maybe go to a movie. He comes home about an hour later and had decided not to go to movie. Rented a movie and a computer game.
This morning I happened to see the receipt. He had spent $38. for the the game! Let me explain a little here. For this pilot school that he wants to go to he needed $500 for the deposit. Daughter and us came up with the money because he doesn't have it. Now can you see why I was MAD? He had the money for this STUPID game but not for the deposit (Not that $38 would have been much towards it, but he could have put it towards a bill). If he would have just saved some money, instead of spending it like he doesn't have any responiblites I may not have blown up.
After I had finished grooming today I sat down and talked to him. I told him I was ready to kick him out the door and didn't care what happened to him. All he is doing is wasting his money when he should be saving it, paying his bills, paying us something. Told him he is freeloading off of us and we have had enough or it. He has to go and find another job while he is waiting for this flight school to decide if they will take him or not. If he doesn't do something he is out the door.
We are a family we are suppose to work together. We aren't suppose to just support one family member with him doing nothing in return.
I know we have made it toooooo easy for him. I can't kick him out if he doesn't have anywhere to go can I? He has no way to get anywhere, except walk and to take the bus.
I'm a softie, I know. It is our (hubby and me) fault that he is still living here. But I think I made some headway with him today. He did go and buy a few groceries, which he hasn't done in 3 months.
Sorry this is so long. Thanks for letting me vent.
This morning I blew up.

DRUGS, DRUGS, DRUGS Need I say more. I've been there, done that.

astrordog

[mustluvdogs1]

Sorry to hear this....

It seems to pop on as a subject on Dr Phil a lot. I don't watch him much cuz I am on here instead. I don't know what to suggest but get a book on tuff love. Someday when you are gone he will be lost if he doesn't learn how to support himself soon. It reminds me of the sitcom Everybody loves Raymond and the tall brother cop. You could act like her the mother in show and smother him out. hehe.

[Pixie]

Thanks Erin for the words of encouragement. I'm not sure what is happening yet. I do know for one thing, come Monday he is out looking for another job. We'll see how things go after that.
I just don't know how to kick him out and feel good or even ok about it. That's not how I was brought up. We were always taught a family is to help and support each other. But I'm just wondering how long does that go on?

[redbird]

other things

It sounds to me like he is sort of lost and stuck.

Please check him for depression. This can cause people to just
give up. If he is floudering and sees no way out, he could use some
professional help. I don't just mean medication, I mean seeing someone
that is not family to help guide him and give him some goals for himself.
I do think that there are positive ways to do this, but he has to want
the help.

[c.c.]

Hi Pixie, so sorry for your situation. You are not alone. I can think of several families who are going through or have gone through your situation, very frustrating. I don't think it's drugs because he doesn't seem to have the money for that. It sounds like he might be struggling with depression. Since he doesn't have health ins. (I'm assuming), maybe he can visit a clinic and talk to someone about his inability to pull things together. If he doesn't suffer from depression and is otherwise healthy, he might really need the ultimatum. As in: You cannot live here unless you are employed full time and contributing to the household.

Some people get to wallowing and can't get out of their own way. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do for someone is make them stand on their own two feet.

[Luvkitties]

Yes, you are being tough, but its for his own good. It's time for him to take responsability and grow up.

Not every job he gets is going to be wonderful and great, "you gotta do, what you gotta do". He needs to have a job while he waits for the other jobs to come through.

You can either kick him out OR give him a date with which rent is do to you and your husband. If you do not receive it by the date stated, then tell him, you will pack his bags and they will be at the curb by midnight of that date. No ands, ifs or buts....

Some day he will thank you for this...

[sheilabgroomer]

Thanks Erin for the words of encouragement. I'm not sure what is happening yet. I do know for one thing, come Monday he is out looking for another job. We'll see how things go after that.
I just don't know how to kick him out and feel good or even ok about it. That's not how I was brought up. We were always taught a family is to help and support each other. But I'm just wondering how long does that go on?

Hey Pixie, I am sorry you are having to go through this, I am sure it is very frustrating.

There is something you need to tell yourself everyday when dealing w/your son, and that is that there is a difference between helping and enabling. It sounds like that line has been crossed and you need to put some starch in your spine and use some tough love!! Why don't you give him a date that he has to get a job an apartment and move out by. If you and your hubby are fiancially able now, maybe you could even help him w/the moving in expences, this way you don't feel like you are just throwing him out on the curb w/no place to go. But, you need to be prepared to kick him out if the date comes and he STILL has no job or place. If you don't do something drastic, your son's life is going to pass him by and he will have no skills to take care of himself when you and your hubby are gone or unable to care for him.. He is 32 yrs old, it is TIME to cut the strings!!!!

[Pixie]

DRUGS, DRUGS, DRUGS Need I say more. I've been there, done that.

astrordog

The only drugs he may be using is the COMPUTER drug. I don't worry about him being on drugs, I KNOW he isn't doing that.

Maybe I should try and get on the Dr. Phil show and have him talk some sense into my son.

[Helly]

Family are to help and support each other emotionally, financially in emergencies, but not enable one person to ditch their responsibilities. Not to cripple the emotional growth of an individualt who is perfectly able to go out and take care of business.

I remember putting my daughter in her car, telling her "Don't come back till you have a job" and sending her down the road. And I meant it. She was home that evening, employed by Mc Donalds of all things, but employed none the less.

I remember my parents telling my brother "We've put the farm on the market. We are moving. You aren't moving with us. You have to find a new place to live, unless the new owners of the farm are willing to keep you as part of the deal." He found a job, found an apartment, and went to school to become a chef.

Give your son a deadline. Find a job. Start contributing, or find another place to live. You have XX days. And stick to it. If you have to put him out, put him out. He has no one to blame but himself. Yes, you'll feel guilty. You'll worry about him. But kids don't learn to walk if they never stand up. It's time for him to stand up and become a man.

[Pixie]

I know what you all have said (except the drugs) is true. We have to do something. And we have to do it now, before his life passes right in front of him.

I think I'm going to have him read this thread and let him see what others think, that it isn't just us that are saying this. Maybe that will knock some since into him. If not then it's out the door.

[redbird]

passions

Have a talk with him about what he wants to do.
THere are lots of online tests to decide what career path is best
for a persons likes and dislikes.
I did this for my daughter in law.
She tested highest in industrial arts of all things. Probably all those
cars she and her dad worked on.
She is now the manager of the hardware department
of one of the largest hardware stores around, and she LOVES it.
Find something he likes, work should at least be interesting if not
fun.
Grooming isn't always fun, but its always interesting for me.

Also, if you have to, you can talk to your internet provider and explain the situation to them. They can turn your service off for a couple months.
Wouldn't kill anyone.
Or, someday when he is out, you could move it to YOUR room.
Hard to believe but we did live without them for many years.
Oh and the vido game thingy, those can break for apartently no reason,
I have seen that happen.(totaly sarcastic here.)

[c.c.]

Computer game addiction is apparently a real thing. My sister was telling me she knows of a phyciatrist who's specializing in it.

[SpikeyTheYorkie]

DRUGS, DRUGS, DRUGS Need I say more. I've been there, done that.

astrordog

Pixie's son is not on drugs. He's depressed, and computer games only make the problem worse.

Tammy in Utah