I was mad and need some help. (long sorry)

[Raggs]

Ok, so I need to know if I was justified in being mad yesterday. Here's a little of the story so you know what's going on.

My boyfriend finally bought a house. After looking at a lot and deciding on one he backed out of it and bought his grandmas house. After his mom kept nit picking every little thing about another house. She'd complain the yard was to big (when his grandmas was .04 smaller), a tiny crack in the brick, etc. So now he has to replace all the old aluminum wiring, replace all the doors, one of the rooms has an asbestos ceiling, the garage doors wont open, etc. This house needs A LOT of work. His mom is painting, and didn't ask him what colors he wanted or how he wanted it done. She painted the front door green, which he hates, but wont tell her, and she picked out girly colors an is doing a faux finish, because she's painting over poorly hung wallpaper and she thinks it will hide the lines. So he went to work on his house yesterday and I asked if I could come to help clean. There is about 2 inches of dust on everything. He told me no because he didn't want to have to explain to him mom why I would be there. I told him to tell her the truth, I'm there to help him fix the house and clean a little. He said no, he doesn't want to explain anything to his mom. Then I told him he was an adult and he needs to tell his parents to stop trying to control his life. His mom after nagging finally got him to by a POS house and now she's trying to make it hers. He says he doesn't have an open relationship with his parents like I have with mine. So I told him, then make them stop controlling your life. Every little decision he makes his parents have to lecture him about. If he doesn't do what they tell him to or want him to, he never hears the end of it.


So tell me, am I justified in being upset? He wont let me come to his house to help him because he doesn't want to tell his mom why I'm there? It's one thing if I was moving all my stuff in, but I was going to be there to help him fix the house and clean. So I got mad and wouldn't talk to him yesterday.

I also told him that if he never tells his parents, or doesn't want to because he doesn't want a lecture, I'd be more than willing to tell them to "f" off. They treat him like he's a child instead of the grown man like he is. He wont do anything about it because he doesn't want a lecture.

[lbboop99]

Wow! I don't know what to say to that, he really needs to grow a pair!! How old is he? I don't see what the big deal is to tell your parents that you have your own ideas for your own house. I don't blame you for being mad. My mother-in-law is that way. When we first got married she did similar stuff but not as bad as his mother. I finally told my husband that he had to stand up to her, I am his wife and this is our life together, not me, him and his mother. Now he does stand up to her but in a nice way. I can't believe he won't have you come help him clean. How long have you been together? I don't know, that would drive me crazy. Time to cut the umbilical cord!

[diamienono]

HMM. That is a tough one. Careful, he may chose his family over you. If you are not prepaired for a lifetime of this, you may want to consider moving on. Sorry to be blunt, but it does not sound as if he wants control of his life.

[MommyEtch]

boundary

This whole message was just popping with boundary lines.

He hasn't established boundaries. His parents arn't responsible for creating and establishing HIS boundary lines. You also have no business establishing boundary lines for a grown up. You telling him that you will say this and that to his parents is crossing his boundary lines I bet. However, since he hasn't been good at establishing these boundaries with his parents, maybe he doesn't establish them with you enough to tell you where he stands either. I sincerely wish you the best. This post gave me the feel that he does allow his parents or mom to control his life beyond his comfort zone. If this is the case then you will be a threat to mom or both mom and dad. I have been with a guy who was like this. Its not fun. I see it on talk shows. Mom against wives and the guy in the middle quiet as a mouse. I would never ever want to be that kind of mom. I wish you luck.

[foxhound lady]

Do his parents even know about our relationship with him? How long have you been dating? How old is he, if he's less than thirty their maturity less is probably less than 3. If he bought the house to shut up his mother you have a mama's boy (hardest one's to work with). In her opinion she's doing the best for her "little man".

Now take a deep breath. Be firm rules, boundaries, and limitations. Tell him that if he doesn't tell his parents about you, you'll leave. Give him a date to do it by, and if he doesn't do it leave. Don't keep presturing him about just give him a date and drop it (learned this one from experiance).

You can't make him do anything, remember that. And the more you pressure him the more he'll resent you (learned this one from experiance too).

Told mine after 4 yrs together that if he didn't move in with me I would leave (I had a house with 10 acres of land and critters, he had an apartment). To this day (3 yrs later)he still resents the fact I gave him and ultimatuim but he is happier here and he knows it, but we had many fights over it.

If your painting over poorly hung wall paper try the textured paint (only comes in white) and then repaint with a better color.

[GroomSaloon]

From soneone who has been there...done that with an ex, I have one word of advice for you - RUN! Never make a man choose between his mother and you, because the mother will ALWAYS win. Best to compliment her work and stop fighting her. You're not married yet (didn't say if you were engaged) and the Mom is looking at this house as HER mother's house, still in the family, and that may be the reason she doesn't want you there. Was this his Mom's home when she was a child? Lots of nostalgia there and you are viewed as an 'outsider'. If you do plan on settling down with this man, best to make peace now or you will never find any. Men dont change...but I do reiterate here - Dont make him play the go-between.

[redbird]

age

Age and past behavior make a difference.

If hes under say, 25, I would be miffed, but could understand that his
parents are still parenting him. (shouldn't be but it happens).
Could they be worried, that something he did in the past might happen
again without their telling him what to do?

How long have you been together? If its less than a year, you need to be
patient and build your relationship over more time.

However....

If he is over 25 and he does not have a spine yet, I would worry.(over 30 he would be toast, as he and his parents have deep issues.)

You have to fit in the program somewhere. Are you sure he wants you
there?
If you have been with him more than a year, I would be leery, and If
you have been with him more than two, with no future plans, I would
run not walk to the nearest exit. Only because you asked.

[Mary1980]

I really need to know more. I would love to comment though. Me and my boyfriend have been together almost two years.

1) How long have you been together?
2) Do you both have plans of you moving into the house?
3) Does his mother know you both have plans on you moving into the house?
4) Did he get a bargain on the house, or did he pay almost the same for a house that's in good condition? (I just really want to know that)
5) How old is he?
6) Do you have plans on getting married.
7) Are either of your children his?


I know the last one's kind of touchy, if you don't want to answer, that's fine. My feelings on that one is that if one of the children are his, get your ass in there that's your house too. If not it's kinda of like walking on egg shells. If you really love this man then maybe you should lay low and get on everyone's good side. If your Italian like me, that's gonna be hard. Everything also depends on the length of the relationship and if it's long enough for you to have major input. If you've been dating under a year that's kind of iffy in my eye's.

I would pissed though, if your supposed to be moving in that house though.

[sheilabgroomer]

Agreed!!

HMM. That is a tough one. Careful, he may chose his family over you. If you are not prepaired for a lifetime of this, you may want to consider moving on. Sorry to be blunt, but it does not sound as if he wants control of his life.

I agree w/diamie
If you try to get between him and his Mom, you are going to come out the loser. He needs to decide if he is going to grow up and be a man or if he is going to stay attached to Mama's strings. If you want to stay w/this dude, you will either have to decide to accept him being a Mama's boy and all the luggage that comes w/him, or you will have to give him an ultimatium. Getting in his mothers face and telling her to "f" off won't get you anywhere....but it might make you feel better.....lol

[Raggs]

Ok, first to answer the questions. He's 24, but will be 25 at the end of this month.
We've been together for 9 months.
We have talked about marriage, but I'm still waiting for my divorce to be finalized. I've already had to file twice and it's been over 2 years since I filed the first time.
Neither of my kids are his.

I'm not trying to make him choose between his mom and me. I know I'll lose that battle. He does nothing but complain about his mom, and how his dad lectures him about every little thing. He told his dad that he was going to college to get a degree in computer science like he did, and his dad lectured him about him. Not a talk, his dad lectured him. Aaron (my guy) didn't get a word in edge wise.

He bought the house for appraisal price and the other house was 20k more. He thought (and still thinks) he's getting a deal on this house. But it's going to cost more than 40k to fix everything.

I would never tell his mom anything, it's not my place. I mention stuff like that in hopes that he'll tell his mom that he wants HIS house HIS way. He's not a mama's boy. He tries to avoid his parents every chance he gets.

They know we are in a relationship, they invited me to go snowboarding with them. I've met them a few times. When he first told them about me, they automatically jumped to conclusions about me and told him that he could do better. They told him some stereotypical thing about women that have kids. They're judgmental about everyone.

I've thought about doing an ultimatum. But knowing him, he'd just say, see ya. He doesn't stand for those kinds of things.

I am trying to be patient. We were talking one night and he asked me if that when we moved if I wouldn't mind hiding my stuff at my dad's house so that he wouldn't have to deal with his parents. As he was asking me this I was running my hand up and down his back, he asked me what I was doing. I simply replied, "checking for a spine."

He admits he's spineless when it comes to dealing with his parents, and I understand that. They seriously do lecture him about everything.

He says he plans on telling his parents that were living together after were settled into the house. So I'm going to wait and see if it happens. If it doesn't, I'm leaving. I don't need a relationship that makes me feel like I'm not wanted.

I forgot what else I was going to say, and it's long enough now so I'll write more later when I think of what I was going to say.

[NUNGUIS]

honestly i don't think he loves you,if he did he would do what it takes to keep you happy;i'm married to the baby in the family and when i first started dating my husband it was hard because the mom always wanted him to go everywhere with her and i put up with it until we got married,i remember the first argument he's mom and i had actually it was the only one, i told her that she needed to respect me if she wanted respect from me and that if she loved her son like she said she did to at least pretend that she liked me because i knew she did'nt,and that i was his wife and not his girlfriend and that i was not going anywhere because i loved him and to stop playing games. i also told him that he needed to decide if he wanted a mommy or a wife; and that was 8yrs ago and we rarely see her and when we do i try to be as nice as i can for the sake of my husband you just have to be smart about the whole thing and very patient if you love him.

[sheilabgroomer]

I wouldn't move in w/him Raggs until he is ready to tell his parents about it. Don't do it, hide it, and wait for the axe to fall. That is incrediably childish and cowardly on his part, but also fairly normal for a 20 something male.

What you can do is to tell him you don't want to hear it whenever he starts to gripe about his parents. All that is doing is making you mad and feel like **** and resent his parents and making him feel better for getting it off of his chest. He and his parents have been dealing w/each other for a long long time and nothing you say is going to change their dynamics.

If I were you, I would look at this as a warning bell at what your life would be like w/him if you stay in a comitted relationship. Will he want to hide everything he thinks his parents won't approve of? I would hold off moving in w/him till he gets his sh*t together. If you are still in the process of getting divorced you probably need a breather too and don't realize it.

[redbird]

imiportant question

One more thing, Is he either the firstborn, the last born or ( horror or horrors)
an only child or son?

THAT is a whole nother situation, as they will not let their grip go
easily.

I do think that where you are born in your family can make a difference.

Also it may be helpful if they knew more about you.
Right now you are just some gal going through a divorce with two kids.
They don't know you yet.
Try to find out some history. If there are no divorces in their family for like three generations its going to be an uphill battle.
If you get the chance to meet them, I would just be the sweetest thing on the planet.

[HOTW]

I married a man who had parents like that it took moving away from them to get them out of our life. It's a pychological thing. The parents are controlling and the kids just give in to shut them up. It is not an easy road and if I had to do it over i don't think I would. There is usually a lot of damage to their pyche too.

It is not going to change especially since he gave in and bought a house the mother has a vested interest in. If he cannot stnad up to his mother on the decorating he won't stand up for you later when you move in. I know I have been there.

[diamienono]

Run girl Run. It will never change.