Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Buying a house!!!

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Buying a house!!!

    This may be a bit of a rant so I apologize in advance. A little back story for those that may not know, I have been with my partner for 13 years and we have an 8 year old son together. Though I consider him my hubby we never married. I am DONE with renting. So sick of the B.S. I have dealt with landlords, the lack of privacy with neighbors that literally walk their dogs in front of my door, let them !$#@ and then just walk away without picking it up. We have no yard for my son to play, I can 't grow a garden which I dearly miss, etc, etc.

    Unfortunately for me, hubby is fully against buying a house. He says we can't afford it, these are such uncertain times, anything we could afford would be a dump, so on and so on. I told him fine, you don't want to buy I will do it on my own. So I did and was pre-approved for a USDA loan!!! YAY!!

    Hubby is NOT happy and in fact livid I did this, despite telling him I was going to. He flat out said if I go through with it he will leave me.
    How can I not buy a home for our family? How can he not want a home for us? In his defense I will say we have very little in savings so if I do need to put anything down I will wipe it out. We have no investments beside our retirement plans with our jobs and no assets. I will be taking $100 of thousands of dollars on to my debt and will be solely responsible for maintenance and upkeep of the property unlike with renting.

    Every time he see's me house hunting or I say I'm going to look at a property he get's really upset and starts mumbling things under his breath or will just flat out say I ma ruining our family, which really hurts.

    I want full blown honest responses. You will not hurt my feelings, I will not be offended. Am I doing the right thing? Should I be buying a home right now for our family to live and grow with or and I being foolish trying to capture the illusive American dream of home ownership in a world where there American dream seems to have died.
    It's not what you look at that matters; it's what you see.
    Henry David Thoreau

  • #2
    I'm not sure buying a home in these uncertain times is the right move. On the flip side, there may be some bargains coming up with people not being able to afford mortgage payments. Maybe a compromise would be a rent to own situation, Or, find a rental with a yard, etc. Why is hubs so adamant about not buying a home? Not married after 13 yrs makes me think he has some commitment issues.
    Old groomers never die, they just go at a slower clip.

    Groom on!!!

    Comment


    • #3
      Have you thought about renting a house instead of buying? I'd be very hesitant to take on a large financial obligation if my partner wasn't on board. My husband works in mortgage servicing and while it's a good time now with interests rates so low, USDA loans (and VA loans for that matter) come with additional restrictions, and may require extra insurance. And unlike conventional loans, you'll most likely have to refinance to remove PMI down the road. I'd also be incredibly hesitant to buy a house with no savings on top of what was saved for down payment. Maintenance on a house is expensive, and it's usually not small tickets when something does go wrong. For example, we had to replace our HVAC system ($11k) and now we are saving for roof replacement since repairs will only last so much longer. That doesn't include the regular maintenance costs, problems that pop up, landscape/yard maintenance. That's why I mentioned maybe look to rent a house to see the kinds of things you like/don't like, maintenance issues you could afford moving forward, etc. If you have the extra each month beyond what you are paying in rent, then I would look at maybe investing that or putting it towards your savings so you have a bigger chunk before seriously looking at houses.

      Comment


      • #4
        After 13 years together, how can he not see that this is something fundamental to many people and their happiness? I don’t mean to trash him, but where is the compromise from his part? You have a kid, you want a yard and a house. If it can be swung at from your part alone, that’s still not fair that it remain all your burden. This calls for some type of mediation between you two to decide the path forward. Too many variables that can really screw things up for you both without having this thought out 💯. Man that’s a tough one. What’s his or your ultimate time frame then if he doesn’t go for it now? This calls for a couch therapy session.

        Comment


        • #5
          I don't think it's a bad time to buy a house at all. USDA has down payment help too. I honestly would be really annoyed with your SO. My mantra has always been and will always be, do what makes you happy. Until then, you can't be truly happy with someone else. There is obviously some very fundamental differences between the two of you. I really agree with what Kurt has said.

          Comment


          • #6
            That’s really hard NF when you get slapped upside the head with such strong resistance to something that is so important to you. I’m sorry. It rocks your world and not in a good way.
            Is home ownership something you have been thinking about for a long time? Or are you just really fed up with your current situation?
            Househunting to at least see what is out there in your price range and some honest budget numbers are a good place to start. Maybe you find something great, maybe not. At least you have a better idea of what you can afford.
            Some frank discussions/ therapy with your partner also really seem to be in order. Home ownership may not be the real issue.
            Good luck NF. Wishing you happy.

            Comment


            • #7
              Awww. I really do sympathize with you! You crave a home!
              BUT . . . (sorry!) ... any situation where strong discord is created between parents, to me that is a harmful situation for children. Parents need to be a team. Easier said than done, right? Ha!
              Your team-mate in parenthood is massively against buying a house. To me, that means the house can not be bought. A decision like that needs to be unanimous.
              It sounds like renting a home is not an option? There are no rental homes in high-standard neighborhoods? Are there rental apartments in excellent neighborhoods? My rental is filled with respectful people, but in the past, I have lived in some rentals where standards were too low.
              Good luck!!! I know you just want the best for your family.

              Comment


              • #8
                I agree with Kurt and Cockerlvr.

                With interest rates at a historical low it’s a great time to buy a house.
                I had to look up USDA loans. I wasn’t aware of these. I’ll have to tell my employee about them.

                Yes, houses require maintenance. In my case, I’ve never had a rental where the landlord was good at making repairs. I had to make and pay for them or they didn’t get done. So owning a house was no different for me. Repairs and maintenance were still on my shoulders.

                Ive always bought houses that had “good bones” and fairly recent updates as far as electric, plumbing, roofing, foundation. If those things are healthy you shouldn’t have big repair bills for years. And I’ve lived in several 100 year old houses with no major repairs needed. Plenty of time to save for those eventualities.

                You say you can swing the payment on your own. This would be YOUR house.
                I would look into what your legal rights are if you should split with your SO.
                I live in a community property state. When we divorce in this State the assets are split 50-50.
                I had my house when I got married to current husband. I was concerned that if we divorced he would have legal rights to my house. I found out that wasn’t true. Any assets we bring into a marriage are ours alone. If we were to divorce, he would have no claims on this property. This is important because the house is part of my retirement plan.
                I say this to just give you a heads up on what could happen if you part with your SO. What rights would he have over your assets. Each State is different. Protect your A**ets! I, for one, would not have his name on the loan agreement at all.

                While your always taking a risk when buying, for me, it’s been a good a decision. The increase in value of the house has done better then the stock portfolio.

                Now....the SO response. I’d be REALLY concerned by someone that would threaten me with “if you do that I will leave you”. That is scary and controlling behaviors. (And, for me, probably even MORE of a reason that I would buy a home of my own. Safe landing in case he follows through with threats)
                This is a subject that is too much to cover in this post.

                Your in a bit of a tough spot.
                Kurt and Cockerlvr are correct in getting counseling/seeking happiness. I was once told, by an old lady, to do the “rocking chair test”
                So this old lady (me) will ask you....”At the end of your life, when your rocking in your rocking chair, will this be a decision that you will regret making?”. Don’t go into your later years with major regrets.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by dogma View Post
                  I agree with Kurt and Cockerlvr.

                  With interest rates at a historical low it’s a great time to buy a house.
                  I had to look up USDA loans. I wasn’t aware of these. I’ll have to tell my employee about them.

                  Yes, houses require maintenance. In my case, I’ve never had a rental where the landlord was good at making repairs. I had to make and pay for them or they didn’t get done. So owning a house was no different for me. Repairs and maintenance were still on my shoulders.

                  Ive always bought houses that had “good bones” and fairly recent updates as far as electric, plumbing, roofing, foundation. If those things are healthy you shouldn’t have big repair bills for years. And I’ve lived in several 100 year old houses with no major repairs needed. Plenty of time to save for those eventualities.

                  You say you can swing the payment on your own. This would be YOUR house.
                  I would look into what your legal rights are if you should split with your SO.
                  I live in a community property state. When we divorce in this State the assets are split 50-50.
                  I had my house when I got married to current husband. I was concerned that if we divorced he would have legal rights to my house. I found out that wasn’t true. Any assets we bring into a marriage are ours alone. If we were to divorce, he would have no claims on this property. This is important because the house is part of my retirement plan.
                  I say this to just give you a heads up on what could happen if you part with your SO. What rights would he have over your assets. Each State is different. Protect your A**ets! I, for one, would not have his name on the loan agreement at all.

                  While your always taking a risk when buying, for me, it’s been a good a decision. The increase in value of the house has done better then the stock portfolio.

                  Now....the SO response. I’d be REALLY concerned by someone that would threaten me with “if you do that I will leave you”. That is scary and controlling behaviors. (And, for me, probably even MORE of a reason that I would buy a home of my own. Safe landing in case he follows through with threats)
                  This is a subject that is too much to cover in this post.

                  Your in a bit of a tough spot.
                  Kurt and Cockerlvr are correct in getting counseling/seeking happiness. I was once told, by an old lady, to do the “rocking chair test”
                  So this old lady (me) will ask you....”At the end of your life, when your rocking in your rocking chair, will this be a decision that you will regret making?”. Don’t go into your later years with major regrets.
                  Very well said. I wasn't in an eloquent mood last night.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Thanks for all the responses!!! UGGGHHH! It's so tumultuous trying to figure out what is best, so any advice is appreciated.

                    Some more info to the story, So was somewhat on board about 2 years ago and was on a loan with me. We started looking because the townhome we had been renting for almost 7 years was put up for sale. I REALLY wanted to buy that place but he did not stating it needed to much work. It really didn't and it was a side by side that would've covered our mortgage and our neighbor was a contractor who we could have negotiated to help do work.

                    We ended up renting another town home in an area I hate because SO would not move to the nicer places I was looking it because it would have lengthened his commute to work to 1hr+. I agreed to move in to the undesirable place under the condition it was for no longer than one year till we could find something better. It will be 2 years in October. I have been house hunting and watching the market ever since we moved and expressing my desire to move.

                    When we moved our rent doubled. We are paying $1203 a month! I have argued that a mortgage would be around $800 and we could set aside the difference we would be saving in a maintenance savings account to cover for if something needs to be fixed.

                    I agree with all the statements about the relationship itself needing help, especially what Emma said. Even if you took the house thing out of it, it is very hard to co-parent especially when each parent has a different style. I have tried a counselor/therapist. Hubby is on board for the first week or so and then it's water under the bridge. The worst part is we both TRULY love each other. We are both very stubborn people and unless you can give irrefutable evidence to the contrary of our beliefs or opinions, we won't budge.

                    I love hubby, but to me our son takes priority over the both of us. I also believe in some situation children do better in a broken home than one where their parents are constantly arguing and on edge all the time.

                    So I would say at this point we are just calling each others bluff. I think a part of him thinks I won't go through with it and a part of me thinks he's just blowing hot air and when it comes down to it, he'll move with us. *sigh*

                    Either way nothing is happening tomorrow, or even for a few months maybe longer. It has to be right place. I won't just settle for the first house that comes along. It has to meet some basics needs (Drilled well, basement, at least 1 acre, wooded or private area, only certain school distracts are acceptable, etc, etc).

                    It was mentioned about just finding somewhere else to rent. That is a possibility, but rent in our area is RIDICULOUS! You would think we lived down in the city what they charge for some of these places. And to find a single family house to rent is upwards of $2k a month which is out of our price range. Anything in our range to rent is an apartment with no yard, no privacy, and shitty landlords. Trust me I have looked.


                    It's not what you look at that matters; it's what you see.
                    Henry David Thoreau

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by lyttleravyn View Post
                      Have you thought about renting a house instead of buying? I'd be very hesitant to take on a large financial obligation if my partner wasn't on board. My husband works in mortgage servicing and while it's a good time now with interests rates so low, USDA loans (and VA loans for that matter) come with additional restrictions, and may require extra insurance. And unlike conventional loans, you'll most likely have to refinance to remove PMI down the road. I'd also be incredibly hesitant to buy a house with no savings on top of what was saved for down payment. Maintenance on a house is expensive, and it's usually not small tickets when something does go wrong. For example, we had to replace our HVAC system ($11k) and now we are saving for roof replacement since repairs will only last so much longer. That doesn't include the regular maintenance costs, problems that pop up, landscape/yard maintenance. That's why I mentioned maybe look to rent a house to see the kinds of things you like/don't like, maintenance issues you could afford moving forward, etc. If you have the extra each month beyond what you are paying in rent, then I would look at maybe investing that or putting it towards your savings so you have a bigger chunk before seriously looking at houses.
                      You are 100% correct. Pro's for a USDA loan is I can get a 6% sellers concession and at most will only need a couple hundred down at closing which will preserve my bank account. Cons to USDA there can not even be a little spot of peeling paint for it to be approved and it must be in a location and county that is USDA approved as it is basically a "Farm Land" loan for rural areas. I can not tell you the countless places I have looked at that would be perfect but will not meet qualifications for the loan. I could go FHA or FHA 203k which I could still get the sellers concession but will now need at least 3-5% down, which could potentially wipe out my savings.

                      Either one will have PMI worked into the loan as it is a must for approval and qualification. I have already planned on setting up a maintenance savings account for when things need to be fixed and I will not consider anything that does not have "solid bones", and newer roof, water heater, drilled well, etc, etc. I do already set aside $200 a month in savings which at the moment is the most I can afford. I wish I could do more, but to be able to have 15% or more down for a conventional loan is just not in the realm of my reality. Which is one of the points HUbby makes as to why we shouldn't be buying.
                      It's not what you look at that matters; it's what you see.
                      Henry David Thoreau

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Emma123 View Post
                        Awww. I really do sympathize with you! You crave a home!
                        BUT . . . (sorry!) ... any situation where strong discord is created between parents, to me that is a harmful situation for children. Parents need to be a team. Easier said than done, right? Ha!
                        Your team-mate in parenthood is massively against buying a house. To me, that means the house can not be bought. A decision like that needs to be unanimous.
                        It sounds like renting a home is not an option? There are no rental homes in high-standard neighborhoods? Are there rental apartments in excellent neighborhoods? My rental is filled with respectful people, but in the past, I have lived in some rentals where standards were too low.
                        Good luck!!! I know you just want the best for your family.
                        I do agree with what you said Emma about if both Partners can not agree than the house does not get bought. With out getting into it, there have been many things over the years that have never happened because we do not agree, marriage being one of them. I feel like I have missed SOOOO many opportunities though because he does not agree. This feels like one of them to me. I have a great opportunity here, especially being approved for a USDA loan. I just do not feel that I can just not do this because we do not see eye to eye.

                        Honestly, a part of me feels that if you really wanted a say, we would be married, because IF he was actually my husband I would not be able to do this on my own because our combined income would put me over the limit for a USDA loan. You do not want to get married, then so be it. I want a house and I am single (technically speaking) so I am going to get one.

                        This is the same old story with him. When we started dating I was 24 and he was 29. After 2 years I asked, "So we have been together a while now, where do you want to see this relationship go?" He said he really wanted children someday but was not keen on marriage. I said I really wanted to get married someday but was not keen on having children. So I said compromise, if one happens then the other should happen. Almost 5 years in the relationship here comes baby with no proposal to follow.

                        It's not what you look at that matters; it's what you see.
                        Henry David Thoreau

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          P.S.

                          Thanks for letting me rant about this everyone! Just typing it out is therapeutic in and of itself. Going back and re-reading post and what I write helps I think, so thanks. A part of me thinks I should not be airing my dirty laundry on the internet, but I trust you guys and gals and value your opinions and advice. Groomers stick together, right!
                          It's not what you look at that matters; it's what you see.
                          Henry David Thoreau

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            NF...rant away. That’s what we are here for. The more information, the better we can help. There is a lifetime of experience on this board covering all the same subject you described.

                            I hear you on the rent vs mortgage. It’s how my husband and I ended up with our Little House. Due to work requirements we have a long distance marriage.
                            We live 2 hours away from each other.
                            Decided to find a rental at the halfway mark. It was cheaper to buy a house then to pay rent.
                            Like you, I had to talk my husband off the ledge several times before he decided to go with the plan. He is glad he did. It will be paid off before he retires at the end of the year.
                            We did pay mortgage insurance on the loan. Once that was paid in full it was removed from our payments. We didn’t need to refinance.

                            I love my little 1940’s Little House. Just right for two older people.
                            Your Dream House sounds just right for your growing family. I hope your SO will come around. Keep looking for your place. When it’s right, it will appear.

                            One other suggestion that I’d give. Try reading marriage advise from John Gottman. Years ago he and a friend did (and still does) research on what factors keep partners together. They work here in Washington State. You can find John’s YouTube videos from his seminars. Also, his books from the library. Their claim to fame is that within 5 minutes of observing a couple, they can tell within 97% if that partnership can last.

                            This is my second marriage. I was determined not to make the same mistakes with this husband that I/we made with the first. John and his wife have given me so much insight.
                            They even had a struggle over buying a house! She wanted a “little house in the San Juan Islands”, he didn’t think they could afford it, “I’m just a poor researcher. I don’t make that kind of money”
                            They went round and round for YEARS over this subject. Bringing up ideas, suggestions, compromises, tears, laughter, etc etc. Eventually, she got her house.
                            I mention this because you guys have already gone through some of the negotiations. Maybe John has some advise that will help your family move forward. I think he’s worth seeking out on YouTube if nothing else.

                            In the meantime, hugs to you!

                            Comment

                            Working...
                            X