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I am really aggrivated at a good friend...need opinions PLEASE!!! (long sorry)

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  • I am really aggrivated at a good friend...need opinions PLEASE!!! (long sorry)

    A really good friend of mine has really Pi**ed me off. She has two dogs that I keep for her at my kennel A LOT. Sometimes I feel like a part-time owner because I will have them for 3 and 4 weeks at a time. I don't charge her because she has been there for me many times in the past and I would feel like a heel if I charged her, but I am starting to feel really taken advantage of.

    Anyway, I have been keeping one of her dogs for the last 2 weeks. Long story short: Her daughter is going through a difficult pregnancy and she is w/her all the time and doesn't have the time to deal w/both dogs right now. That is fine, however her daughter in law (who works for me) told me that she adopted another dog yesterday!!! I am just speechless. I have been caring for (at my expense) her dog for the last few weeks because she doesn't "have the time", and then she goes out and gets another one!! I am wondering how long it will be before she is dropping this one off on me as well!!

    The reason they are w/me so much normally is because she is traveling alot and she also has a lot of health problems....which is another reason why I am wondering why she got another dog!!! In the interest of friendship I need some advice on how to approach this w/out getting into a spitting match and ruining the friendship. From this post you probably think she doesn't sound like much of a friend but believe me she has been.

    In the past she was the one I called in the middle of the night when I went into labor to come over and watch our other two children. When my stepson was in his accident she was the one took care of our kids for us then drove them to Florida (from SC) when Josh died. She also took charge of my shop and helped keep it running during that time. So, you see, I don't want to loose this friend or seem ungrateful but this situation has been going on for over a year and now she has added another dog to it!!! HELP!!! Please tell me what to do!
    SheilaB from SC

  • #2
    Well, I can certainly see where you would be frustrated at her decision to adopt another dog. You probably should talk to her about it and find out her reasons for the new addition (she may have a pretty valid one). I know that I have taken on animals (when I really shouldn't have) to prevent cruelty, euthanasia, or for rehab.
    So, before getting PO'd at your good friend, find out all the details from HER. Then, if you feel they are not valid reasons, ask her what she was thinking (as a friend)! Good friends can say things to each other, that other people can't and while it may cause some hurt feelings, it usually straightens itself out as long as it was said in a caring way.
    I hope you can work this out with your friend.


    • #3
      If she is that good of a friend then come right out and ask her why she got another dog when you have her other dog. You don't have to tip toe around a good friend. Then say, hey, I don't mind taking care of your dog when you need me, but I don't think it was a good idea to get a dog when you are boarding you other with me becuase you are too busy right now.
      If your dog is fat, you are not getting enough exercise!


      • #4
        Good Friend

        A good friend wouldn't take advantage of you. This is exactly what she is doing. And it will continue until you take some action to stop it. You should calculate monetarily how much her services to you have been and how much your services to her have been. I think you will see a big gap. I don't say this to be greedy, but to see how much you have been giving to her. Perhaps it will put it in another perspective for you.

        I'm all for being there for my friends, but there is a point where boundaries are crossed and need to be re-established. And when you start to feel angry and resentful, that's a good indication that it's time to do something about it.


        • #5
          I know its probably not the MATURE way to handle things, but I would probably laugh it off but make a point to mention it until she gets the hint.


          • #6
            Let me get this stright.....
            She had 2 dogs, 1 is with you, 1 is with her and she now added #3? Which is at her house also?

            In the beggining, My dog trainer side would have kicked in.
            Maybe phrase it... That all the bouncing back and forth between houses and seperation from the pack has brough about some behavior changes you have noticed.
            Explain that dogs need routine and structure, and she has now added # 3 which will certinly create some difficult struggles with in the 3 trying to figure out now which dog is higher in the pack order.

            But then there is My non politically correct side....


            • #7
              I have space at my home shop to board a few dogs, which I occasionally do for a good friend, and she pays like anyone else. Like you, I almost claim them as mine--we call me their aunt--and lot's of time they'll stay at the house instead of down at the shop It's a blessing to have somewhere like us for customers AND FRIENDS to comfortably leave their babies. Business is business. At the same time, if my friend's sick, has an emergency, or such, I keep them for her as a friend--no charge. If she's vacationing or choosing to be away then she pays me. She pays for grooming too, but lots of times I let her come us my facilities to bathe them herself or if she has to go out of town for the day she brings them out to stay in my fenced yard and I don't let her pay me. You get the point. We are happy with our arrangement. I understand your feeling used, and like others have said, you can be honest with good friends. I like NeaNea's post.


              • #8
                Just keep it simple and ask how she's going to have time for another dog when she is hardly even with the ones she has now. If you 2 are so close it wouldn't seem hard to come right out and ak her why she's doing this.


                • #9
                  When she tells you she got another dog, you can always kind of giggle and say "Did you forget that you still have 2 dogs with me?!" Then go on about how excited the new dog will be to meet her two other dogs. Oh and make sure that you tell her how busy you are getting at work and that you are glad she is back b/c your going to need the space for all the news dogs your getting. Oh and then offer to drop the dogs off.

                  Let us know how it goes.


                  • #10
                    How long do you have to board her dogs before te favors she did you are repaid???? I think the time has come to charge her, if you have her dogs there aren't you really losing double, her money plus a paying customer's money. If she'a good frieng can't you tell her you can't afford to provide her baording services for free any more?? Does she offer to pay and you refuse, or does she just assume you'll work for free??


                    • #11
                      I would ask her (witout being confrontational) why she would get a 3rd dog, when she rarely has time for the other 2? I don't think it's out of line to ask her, and if you're good friends you should be able to. There are times when I'm thinking of doing something stupid and it's my friends that give me a reality check.


                      • #12
                        Good friends are harder to find than customers. I don't know your whole story regarding step son and accident etc but by what you posted sounds like she has been a good friend. And it sounds like you have also been a good friend to her. Is her dog putting you out any? If not than maybe let it go after all you never know when you may need her. No hurt in asking why she got another dog she may have a very good explanation.

                        I have a really good friend and I let things go and I'm sure she lets things go that I do or forget to do but I do realize that really good friends are hard to come by. If you feel like you are being taken advantage of then yes you have a right to ask questions but in the big picture if my friend told me she thought I was taking advantage of her I would be crushed as I would never knowingly take advantage of her. You know her best, do you think she would take advantage of you????


                        • #13
                          There were a couple of times in my life that friends have seriously stepped up to the plate for me. One friend in particular was there for me when I had some post-partum blues and I am eternally grateful to her. There is not much that I wouldn't do for her because she was such a significant person in that chapter of my life, she "earned rights forever". Yes, it seems ODD that she would take on another dog but will it really change the equation for you? Just say in a light manner "excuse me, have you gone crazy!? I need to know why WE have another dog to take care of!!"


                          • #14
                            I'd first, in a very nonconfrontational way, ask her about the new dog. She could have taken it to rescue it from an abusive situation, or some other urgent need. There could be a plethora of good reasons, and I wouldn't assume the worst.

                            Another thing I wouldn't do is fall into the trap of keeping score. A lot of people say a real friend wouldn't take advantage, which is sort of true. But a real friend also doesn't keep score. There are two sides to a friendship, and it sounds like you want to take the best care of your side. That means you don't keep score. Friendships are not a business, and favors are just that. You do them out of the kindness or your heart, and shouldn't expect to be repaid.

                            It's like the old saying "If you want to lose a friend, lend him money. If you know someone who needs money, GIVE him the money." I never loan people money. I always explain that this is a gift. If you decide to give it back at some point in time, that's fine. If you pay it forward someday, and give someone else money, that's fine too. But if I don't expect it to be repaid, I have nothing to get mad about.

                            The other side of favors is being able to say, "Sorry. I can't do that for you right now." Or maybe "I'd love to help you out, but I'm a little short in the money department right now. Can you help ME out and ante up a couple of bags of dog food?"

                            I think you just need to have a heart to heart with your friend, and explain your situation. She may be so caught up in her own problems that she doesn't realize she's stepping on your toes. Be kind, be a friend, but be honest. And be honest about the fact that she is a valued person to you, and how much you appreciate her friendship. If she's really a friend, she'll at least try to understand.


                            • #15
                              Never mix business and friendship, and that is exactly what is happening here.