Having Kids, a personal question.

[Hello Kitty FTW]

This might be long, but I love coming to you guys & gals and asking advice. My friends seem too quick to throw aside my concerns and would really appreciate your thoughts.

Does that maternal desire to have kids ever go away? I do not have kids, and if I wanted a child Hubby and I would have to adopt. However, there are times when I want to adopt and times when I don't.

When my husband and I met, he had told me 'ideally' he wouldn't want kids, that visiting other people's kids was enough for him. I initially agreed with that, but my damn hormones or something like that keep telling me to have kids. It's incredibly frustrating.

My husband and I have a happy marriage, and my friends say "Why screw that up for a child?" when they as mothers get to experience so much that I don't. However, they look at our life and say we get to experience so much that they don't, too.

There are times where I feel incredibly selfish for not wanting a child because sometimes my life is great the way it is, and other times I feel selfish because I want a child for what may be all the wrong reasons.

Has anyone else been in this situation able to offer some advice? It would be greatly appreciated!

[dobieacat]

I dont think your crazy. I dont really have a maternal bone in my body. Screaming/crying kids just puts me on edge. When people ask if my hubby & I are going to have kids, I say, not on purpose. If you really think you need to have kids around, go volunteer at a womens shelter or at a un-wed mothers home. You can rock babies and be around kids to get the "mothering" feeling met.

[Glamourpetsgal]

Wow Kitty,

Thats a tuffy. Your maternal instincts to have a child will always be with you. It's built into your DNA. However, doubt is a very strong deterent. If your husband and you are happy visiting others with children and doing activitis with them, maybe you should join a Big Brother/Big Sisters mentoring program. You would be surprised how much satisfaction you get from just spending time with these sweet kids. Most of them are from broken homes and just need some adult mentoring and companionship. It would also give you the time to decide whether you and your hubby would like to have a child yourself. Good luck and have fun.

[Canopener Sally]

My husband and I have a happy marriage, and my friends say "Why screw that up for a child?" when they as mothers get to experience so much that I don't. However, they look at our life and say we get to experience so much that they don't, too.

There are times where I feel incredibly selfish for not wanting a child because sometimes my life is great the way it is, and other times I feel selfish because I want a child for what may be all the wrong reasons.

Has anyone else been in this situation able to offer some advice? It would be greatly appreciated!

Not having a child isn't selfish, it's responsible. I can give you my perspective and it's not a popular or typical one. I haven't been married but I have been in a long term relationship. I haven't wanted children, well, for a million reasons. The big one is, I cherish my freedom far more than my desire to bare children. It's part practical, rational decision, part act of deviance. I am not ruled by my biology but everyone has the desire to breed, not everyone has the desire to raise children.

No matter what choices you make, you'll be missing something. I think you're lucky having a husband that cares for you without the wanting to "produce a heir." That's what I want, a sweet husband to enjoy life with and just be.

You used the word "selfish." Having a baby of your own is selfish. But humans are selfish creatures. All things we do are motivated by self interest. Even charity work, you do it to better the world but also because it makes you feel good. Otherwise you wouldn't do it.

Adoption is brilliant. To offer love to a child not born of your blood is something extraordinary. It's among the most selfless acts imaginable.

Advice? No. Ask yourself what do you love, what makes you happy? For me it's no chains, cars with just two seats, art, solitude, studying the world -not cookie cutter life, toys in the front yard, crying demands and dare I say it, stretch marks.

[Helly]

Kitty, that's such a difficult question to answer. Does that urge go away in time? I think it's different for everyone, and it may depend on your circumstances.

If you've been with the same person for 30 years and all of your children have flown the nest, you may not find yourself desiring another baby. But, on the other hand, you've been a single mom and your children are grown, and you finally find "Mr. Right" you could find yourself wanting a baby with the man of your dreams.

I do know a couple of things, though. If you want a kid and you're waiting until you can afford one, you'll never have one.

Doing whatever with someone else's kids, be it playing "Auntie", working at a shelter or the pediatric ward in a hospital, doesn't do the trick. And not liking to be around someone elses kids that are screaming and need to have a diaper change is no indication of how you'll deal with your own.

I love my kids, and I'd probably kill anyone who harmed either of them. They're both grown now, and we have a great relationship. Nothing they did when they were babies and growing up bothered me like other people's children bothered me And I still don't like being around anyone elses kids. It's just not my thing. I guess it's just somehow different when it's your own kid.

If you only find yourself wanting a kid occasionally, but most of the time the thought never enters your head, you probably shouldn't have one.

Just like dogs, children are a lifetime commitment. Only with kids, it's YOUR lifetime. They usually hang around longer than you do.

[Moonpiepoodlz]

There are times I wish I didn't have my girls (when they're fighting or I'm broke because I've spent so much money on them for school or whatever) though for the most part I wouldn't trade one minute of their lifetime for an hour without them.
I really can't say if the maternal instinct goes away but I can understand why there are others who say don't give up your freedom for a child; spend a weeked taking care of an infant or a toddler and then see what your thoughts are.

[baddog]

I have a lot of "dink" friends who in their late 40'a and too late to have kids say they regret not having them. It is a totally personal decision though I can't seem to thinnk of any wrong reasons to bring a child into a marriage, unless it is to "save" it.

[winterroo]

You have to really think of your own reasons why and why not. For me-I have one child, he is awesome! He is now 10, and getting to be pretty easy, as far as not being 'needy' if you will (not in a negative way, mind you). I really want to have another baby, but it has dawned on me that I want a BABY, but don't necessarily want to raise another child-can't do one without the other, lol. I guess now, I wouldn't have another one on purpose...it is such a personal thing, one that you really have to search your soul for. Having kids is not selfish or unselfish, neither is NOT having them. You need to do what suits your life and well being.

[RudyRoo]

I never wanted or planned on having kids, untill at 33 I ended up having one. Best thing ever happened to me! There is no joy in the world or love any stronger that what I feel for my son. He's 23 now, & I so miss having a little guy around, wish I could do it again! I am looking forward to one day being a grandmother. But, both parents need to be on the same page, sounds like your husband is happy the way things are. Kids don't screw up your life , they make it better! I have a friend who married a man that dind't want kids, she thought he would change, he never did, they got divorced. She adopted a 15 month old boy from Siberia, he's now in the 7th grade ( if your single in SC, they won't let you adopt, thats why she went out of country) If you really want a kid, I would have a sit down with your husband, tell him how you feel. Good luck!

[bednbones]

3 kids and 25 yrs under the belt

of marriage. I didn't want kids but the first came as a surprise. The next two I couldn't wait to have. A strong marriage is important but equally important is that both of you want kids ... not just one.

I have also been a foster parent for two kids ... one for a year and the other for 3 years. They were eventually adopted by people that couldn't have their own kids. I felt selfish when I wanted to keep them. I would say that this is a great way to decide. You also get first dibs on the kids if you want them.

PM me if you want so advice because it can be a bit hairy if you don't know what you are getting into and how to make sure the situtation is best suited for you.

Kids are a blessing but it is a job there is no getting out of once you decide they are yours!!

[pugmug]

Kids cost a fortune!!!!!! Ecspecially teenagers!! I dont have a answer for you,but good luck on whatever you decide.

[foxfey]

single mom of 2

I am a single mom of 2 older children.... married divorced before my son was 3 yrs old and his sister was 6 there is nothing in this world that I would trade them for. It was hard but worth it.. to hear my now 17 yr old son, tell me that he loves me makes up for all the nights that were sleepless cause one or the other was sick, the no money to do anything because the bills had to be paid, going to a state park with a loaf of bread peanut butter and jam and spending the day enjoying our selves.. so worth it to me I will never be money rich BUT I am rich in memories and love.....

I have friends that never had kids and they are happy too.... they have the car the house the dogs and so on.

as for me I would be lying if I didnt have the I want another baby feeling at times .... so it is a very personal issue. all I can say is follow your heart so that you dont look back and say why didnt I

[D'tails]

My problem is that I am 35 now and have never really had a desire to have children. I am starting to feel the clock ticking and my mother has harped on me about all of the what ifs. "What if your husband dies and you are all alone?" "who will take care of you when you are older?" etc etc. To tell you the truth a small part of me would like to have children, but the entire though of pregnancy ang giving birth really freaks me out...I know it sounds odd, but it's the truth. Perhaps being an only child left me content with myself and unafraid of being alone. Those little doubtful seeds that my mother plants in my head make me worry at times.

I am also in a wonderful marriage and we love to be kids ourselves, we play video games, sleep till noon if we want and love having the freedom to be spontaneous...I also wish i had a clear answer...

[pooh13]

I can honestly say the urge went away for me ,however I have 4 kids and 4 step kids and 7 grands.. ok it went away a little late lol,.Are you being selfish ? definitely not.Don't get me wrong ,I love my children very much and wouldn't trade them for the world.But if I had to do it all over again I cannot honestly say I would have children now.And if I had I would have waited until my life was more stable ,however kids and stable just don't go in the same sentence.With kids comes not only responsibilities but the never ending element of surprise .I have been a full time mother for the past 30 yrs I still have a teen at home and I am looking forward to the day when my house becomes mine. There is nothing wrong with wanting or not wanting kids.if you and your husband feel no need to bring a child into your life for personal reasons.It is your life, you have no one to answer to.

[keyray]

I'm not married, 40 and I have no kids. So far both the psychological and biological drive to have kids has only gotten stronger.

I don't think there is anything wrong with not wanting kids. There is so much sacrifice that goes into raising children, if you aren't sure you shouldn't do it.